I cannot find my penis.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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