textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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