Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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