Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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