And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
