I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
