i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
