you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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