"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
