the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
