omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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