I faked an abortion last night.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Enjoy the penises
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
