Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
