I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
