my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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