Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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