Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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