I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
