we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I yelled at your uterus for you.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
