my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
