woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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