there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
even my farts smell like vagina
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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