Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
