Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
