I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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