So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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