I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
handjob tips. give me some.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
