Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
