If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
