I think I won the penis lottery.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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