I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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