dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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