I think I won the penis lottery.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
