Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
