Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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