I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
