Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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