any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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