No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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