need another drink. this is the easiest way
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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