a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I will be naked everywhere
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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