Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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