Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
