He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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