The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
