After last night, I could never be a politician.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
