just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
