did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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