I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
