How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
