I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Come on in and take your pants off
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