you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
