Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
