Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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