I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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